Those things that make us special, the quirks, the unexpected traits, the unique combination of experiences that makes us a one and only character, a person that can't be guessed, those features we often discover the hard way separate us from the rest.
We can take it personally, and feel different, special, superior, entitled or terminally unique, or we can be unchartered territory, to each new person we don't know yet, and is unchartered territory too.
Intimacy requires us to to disclose our whole uniqueness, the dark and the light, the blurry and the clear, the boring and the inimitable. It only works as a gift to another, it can’t be forced and it can’t be taken; duress distorts our true nature and protects it from hostility.
As a gift however, it is an invitation to play and share, a test of the other’s care, attention and inclination to even the plane. Intimacy can only deepen and even out, it can’t reduce. We may withhold affection and words, our book is still open on those pages we have offered for a read.
The human experience of separatedness instills a craving for re-connection with the whole.
In that pursuit, we are continuously choosing how much of our inner world (and divine self) we expose to the outer world.
There we need to not confuse balance for impossible control, and rather learn to be in tune with the moment. When we only open up as much as the moment invites, we find our way to deeper and deeper trust.
In that gradual opening, we cannot skip steps, but we can lead the way.
Intimacy, love, trust, any form of connection can only be experienced as a two-way deal.
When we don’t see the other and show ourselves, we don’t feel seen. When we don’t love others, and accept love, we don’t feel loved.
Unconditional love is also about not making the other’s love a condition to our own. There is no ‘first to love’, there is an ‘open to love’. When we block the way out, we block the way in.
Opening our gates, we send love back, whatever we have received, and then we meet joy.
What makes our heart sing is sacred, divine, it is our beauty, our essence.
We experience joy when we share our heart’s song with another, a deep satisfaction to be alive, to have purpose, to mean something, to care.
Joy is our guide, the sheet music, our connector to our self and our accomplices. It inspires others to sing.
Of all the things that make us who we are, our story, our relationships, our achievements and failures, the truest most defining part of us is our choices. When we let others see us, what we show is who we choose to be, not who we would like to be, but where our energy, time and heart goes, what matters to us, not just in our head, in our commitments. This is not shaped by the relationship, even if it can evolve in it... it is the basis for the exchange, the framework for it.
The intention to protect ourselves prevents true intimacy.
The polite display of emotion, the untold expectations, the silent hurt, the grudge concessions, and any preemptive avoidance of rejection, abuse, domination or criticism, are layers of armours we hide behind.
Granted, intimacy and trust are cut of the same cloth, they are earned, cultivated, deepened one layer at a time, but it is on us to drop a layer and see that we mean it when we say we want authenticity.
Connections are made and lost time and time again.
The craving for the flow of connection may be shared, when it is strong - ie. vulnerable - it can be overwhelming to the point of rejection. This is the core truth of most heartbreaks... A deep dive into intimacy can be so intense it heats and melts our system and somewhat burns the bridge. The resulting sense of loss of control is daunting and makes intimacy seem too risky to tempt.
And so, staying with the reality that the connection is made and lost repeatedly, taking the time to ease into it, is how we survive and eventually wire that path.
The experience of pleasure, validation, joy are the fruit of a present and conscious life - the temptation to produce them through lesser effort is high but eventually ineffective, the ability to access true joy dwindles a little farther away with each new attempt at a short cut. When faced with a choice to stroke our ego, get an easy fix or quick money, we must consider how it affects the longer term balance.
Opening
The Joyous
Satisfaction
Exchange